Blessed Samhain

 Blessed Samhain and Happy Halloween everyone.

 It's a cool, grey and rainy day here in the mid-west. The tree outside my window is equal parts red and green, I guess proving that even the blessed foliage around here is already putting up Christmas decorations. :) 

 I have already finished my big plans for the day - which involved filling out more legal paperwork for disability, but I generally try not to make big plans. I'll probably spend the rest of the day reading, playing Sims, maybe watch a movie. 

 In short, I plan to celebrate the turning of the year by living... just simple living. Which, as something I haven't been able to do a lot of in recent memory, is celebration enough for me. 

Have a great day everyone.

Onward.

"Quiet" Week (Week 69)

 Not much to report this week...

 Health is about the same. I'm resting more... finally starting to let myself slow down. Slept in the past couple of days and felt really good for it.

 In other news... I finished writing "book two" of my Wyrd Girls story and I'm pretty proud of the outcome. I participated in early, in person, voting... and am annoyed with the local Democrats for failing to even try to field candidates in most local races. I mean, really, I know this is seriously deep red, Confederate flag waving Trump country, but they could at least try to fight back. I talked to the attorneys about my disability coverage and they assure me they're working on it. (I should have lots of paperwork to fill eventually). I watched a couple of fun movies. I'll try to get reviews of those posted soon-ish.

 Finally, tonight, in early observance of Samhain, Juno cooked a wonderful feast. I'd had the thought - I can't really trick or treat, or go to a party or event, and I not really up to a big ritual but it's an ancient harvest feast celebration! I can eat. :) Left a plate out for spirits and had some tasty pork, some meat pies, beans, bread and almond rice. Blessed Be.

 OK, maybe there was some stuff to report. :)

 Onward

Week One (Week 68)

 Well, this was my first week of officially not working. It was actually kind of crazy. I had a doctors appointment Monday, talked to the disability lawyer on Thursday and Friday and I feel certain that Tuesday and Wednesday weren't quiet either.

 Basically, I overdid it... because - surprise, surprise - I'm not actually magically all better after leaving work either. I know, shocking isn't it.

 The funniest part of the week was, I think, Thursday... when I looked down at a pile of DVDs my mom sent me for my birthday and thought "rats, I'm not going to have time to watch those before I go back work on Monday." Followed immediately by "you dummy, you're not going back to work on Monday." Evidently my subconscious had decided I was taking the week off. So, I tried to get me to do everything during the course of that week.

 Oh now I remember what I did Tuesday and Wednesday... got really angry on the Sims Forums, got banned, spent hours trying to talk to customer service to find out why only to be told I wasn't banned (despite the error message which said quite succinctly "you are banned") and finally was readmitted to the forums where I got a private message explaining that I was banned for 24 hours. OK, pro-tip, guys... sending someone a message on the forums telling someone they are banned from the forums is not an effective way of communicating.

 Anyway, I'm taking a little break from the Sims Forums, for my health.

 I did take it as motivation to move my Wyrd Girls story to a blog. You can find it here if you're interested. I'm actually feeling pretty good about that move.

 So, yeah, way too much excitement. 

 Onward.

Endings and Beginnings (Week 67)

 This was my last week of work. As such, it marks the end of nearly five years working in the BI department and the beginning of something.

 I've got to say, for all that I have complained about my job, they were very good to me this past year+. They supported me and encouraged me but were also honest with me. They let me decide when I was done and they've supported in that as well. It wasn't always great. It wasn't even always good, but I leave with my head held high and feeling that - at the end - it was good.

 Now starts that "something new" part. I've come to realize that I really have been pushing myself into the ground and then pushing myself to go further. It wasn't good and it wasn't successful. Now, I start figuring out how to live in my current reality. Now, I start figuring out how to move forward.

 I have ambitions. The first of these include finding that new balance... that place where I can get through a day and do things while still respecting my current limitations. Beyond that, I'm going to write. I'm going to paint my minis and do some other art. I'm going to study and learn new things. I'm also going to work on my mediation and honing my mind. The biggest problem I have right now is the dreaded Brain Fog. I need my brain, so it's time to start working on new ways to use it.

 All in all, while I was genuinely sad to leave work (I know, shocked me too), I am feeling really positive about the future.

Onward

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

 I mentioned in my last post that someone very dear to me had hurt me. Well, today I reached out to that loved one and we had a good talk about it. I was right, it was entirely unintentional... a mistake born out of miscommunication. We talk it though. They apologized and I accepted. In the end, I feel much better for it and I think they do too.

 It took me a couple of days to be ready to have that conversation. I'm really glad I did but I'm also glad I took those couple of days. I needed to be ready to listen to them... to really hear and accept what they told me. At the same time, when I was ready, I'm glad I felt that I could reach out and have an open, honest discussion with them about it. I knew they would listen to me, hear me and understand.

 That, I think, is the cornerstone of a good relationship - the ability to have open, honest conversations about difficult topics. I'm glad that I have those kind of relationships. I prize them.

 Communication is key.

Good and Bad (Week 66)

 My second to last week of work... feels right. Feels right to be leaving, right to be stopping. Everyone is being very nice, very understanding. I'm just cleaning up a few things, finishing a couple of projects and passing on a couple of others. The dubious virtue of having been sick for most of a year and barely at work for the past few months anyway... there's really nothing big and urgent on my plate. In a way, it's easy to walk away. It's also right. This is the time and the way to go. 

 So, on the whole actually a pretty good week. 

 This weekend, on the other hand, is crap. Took an emotional gut punch I wasn't expecting and can't shake it off. Really, someone just made a mistake... but it's someone I care deeply about and the mistake caused a hurt that, like I said, I just can't shake off. You know that feeling? When someone says or does something, without realizing that it's hurtful... but the hurt is so deep it just won't go away? Maybe it's just me. Ah well, life happens. Sometimes you just have to push through. 

 In other news, I'm wondering if I should keep counting... counting weeks. I think part of me started so that when I woke up all better one day, I could say "I'm all better now... wow that lasted X weeks." Only now, I don't know that expecting that day to come is a good and healthy idea. Maybe I need to just live in the Now.

 Either way, I want to keep the blog going. You're not rid of me yet. :)

 Onward.

Happy Birthday To Me (Week 65)

 Well, it's been a momentous week.

 First, it's my birthday... so Happy Birthday to Me. Birthdays are special in my family. My mom says they are the holiday where we celebrate that we exist, celebrate our lives. A whole special day, just about us. So, today my family gave me lots of dvds to watch (because I'm a movie and tv buff) and my wonderful wife is making me a feast. Actually several feasts... special means for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She just spent the entirety of Big Hero 6 cooking.(BTW, Jet Titla's hot wings are fantastic.)

 Second, I finally accepted an important reality of my illness. I can't work. I tried. I really did. Back in February, I started back at work with the idea of working 20 hours a week. Looking back, I don't think I ever did. I worked about 15 hours a week on average... some weeks I made more, some weeks I made less. A lot less. Readers of this blog will know that in recent weeks, I've taken a downturn and obviously my ability to work was impacted. The reality was I was pushing myself to my limit and often past my limit for the sake of... what? The job? The team? A paycheck? 

 In the end, I realized I was waiting for someone else to make the obvious decision. No one would. The decision was mine and mine alone. I made it. On Friday I handed in my notice. Absolutely no one was surprised. Sad and supportive, but not surprised. One co-worker said he was surprise I hung in as long as I did. 

 I need to focus on my health. Really focus on it. This isn't some flu. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly feel better. My ability to perform basic life tasks is compromised. I need to re-learn basic skills - like cooking - to accommodate my new reality.

 So, that's what I'm going to do.

 It doesn't sound like great news, I know... but in reality, I think it's the best birthday present I could have given myself.

 I give myself permission to live.

 Happy Birthday to Me.