Week Ending 11/30

Happy Holidays!

So, last week I said I was choosing to throw myself into the holiday spirit. This week, I actually managed to keep that going. 

I've worked on stuff for setting up my next Wyrd Tales story. I've painted minis. J and I played a nice long game of Age of Sigmar over several of mornings. (I think she let me win, but I'm ok with that.) 

Finally, J made us a lovely Thanksgiving dinner and we watched our favorite Thanksgiving movie (The Martian. It's a Thanksgiving movie. Really) and our traditional first holiday movie (Trading Places. Come on, that's totally a holiday movie.) Then on Friday we watched a couple Christmas movies (Die Hard and Die Hard 2. Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Die Hard 2 is... well, I think John McClain says it best - "How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice!?" Got to love a movie that knows it's a cheap, pointless sequel and embraces it.)

I remembered one of the last things Gretchen the Grief Counselor said to me. She said I should look into the concept of neuroplasticity... the ability of the brain to alter neural pathways in response to stimuli. A friend of mine once said that every time we access a memory, we change it through the act of accessing it. ("A physicist's view of biology" J said later). In the present context, it means I can change my thinking patterns... so that when I think about mom and the holidays, I think about good memories and being happy, not about her final days and being sad.

"We choose every day who we want to be. With big decisions and little ones, and every one of them matters."

Fate is a riddle, and we choose our own answer.

I choose love... and movies. :)

Onward

Week Ending 11/23

Hey, it's me...

So, it is the week before Thanksgiving and I've made a decision. I'm going to watch holiday stuff. I'm going watch holiday baking and cooking shows. I'm going to watch holiday movies. I'm going to watch every silly, goofy and fun movie and show about the holidays that I know and love, and a few I haven't seen yet.

Why? 

Because I've decided that I can either be miserable or I can throw myself headfirst into the holiday spirit. I choose the second.

In the spirit of which, I just finished watching Red One with Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Chris Evans. Let me tell you, that was a silly, goofy and fun movie. I loved it. J said "it's funny because it's so serious" to which I replied "it's serious because it's so funny." :) 

It is, in no uncertain terms, an awesome movie... and one which includes this line: "We choose every day who we want to be. With big decisions and little ones, and every one of them matters."

So, yeah... I'm making my choice for today.

Oh, and I've finished my Yule shopping already. :)

Ho, ho, ho. 

Onward! 

Week Ending 11/16

Hey, it's me...

Yeah, I'm still feeling down but in a bit better spirits than last week. 

My jaw is improving. It only hurts some of the time now.

Hulu/Disney+ got Law and Order, so I've been binge watching that. After all, if you think about it, Law and Order invented binge watching, long before streaming came long. Honestly, I'm not sure if sitting here watching back to back to back episodes of a fairly dark murder show is the best way to spend my day, but it's not the worst either.

So, one thing... A while ago, mom got me this white, fluffy towel. It's a wonderful towel. This week, it ripped. It's old. I'm pretty sure it was second hand when she got it. Now it's starting to fall apart. Something my mom got me, that I cherish, and it's starting to fall apart. That hit me pretty hard. I sat on the end of my bed, almost in tears... and then Juno came along. She suggested turning the towel into a pillow or something, so I could still have it.

I love my wife.

Onward

Week Ending 11/9

 Hey, it's me...

So, I'm depressed. 

I'm exhausted. I'm in pain. I feel alone, useless and isolated. I feel that I am unable to do any of the things I'd like to do and that I am a failure at the things I have done.

... and there is nothing I can do about it. 

The world is going to hell. We live in a fascist dictatorship where our elected representatives would rather let millions starve than admit that they aren't all-powerful. Where they have corrupted the courts and the law to serve their egos. Where they use violent force against anyone who dares to opposes them and where the threat of force keeps people silent. Where I am afraid to even write these words.

... and there is nothing I can do about it.

I went to the doctor again this week, because my ear started bothering me on top of my jaw bothering me. Turns out it was nothing... but while I was there, I noticed a sign in the examination room. It basically said that, if you are there for a check up and talk about any new problems, the new hospital will charge you for two visits - the check up and a separate consultation about the new problem. They don't want people to talk to their doctors and get healthcare. They just want to bill you as much as possible.

... and there is nothing I can do about it.

So, yeah, I'm depressed.

... and the only thing I can do is keep putting on foot in front of another.

Onward

Edit (11/10)

I got a decent nights sleep last night, and am feeling a bit better for it. All the same problems are still here, and they're all still just as daunting, but I no longer feel quite so helpless in the face of them. 

In the end, the sun rises and the sun sets and the sun rises again. That's why we just have to keep going...

Onward 

Week Ending 11/2

Hey, it's me...

This week was better. Saw the new doctor early in the week about my jaw. He diagnosed TMJ and gave me some jaw exercises to do. The exercises actually help a lot. My jaw is still bothering me, but not as much.

I've still be really tired, but I'm getting some rest. 

I've been enjoying watching old episodes of Law & Order. Also, the spirit of Halloween, I watched Hocus Pocus, and Hocus Pocus 2, both for the first time. I enjoyed them, but I liked the first one better. Then, as a pure guilty pleasure, I watched Hansel and Gretel, Witch hunters... a pretty good bad movie (though I did nap through most of it this week).

I realized I'd been stressing about Halloween. It was the first one after mom had passed and I felt like, as a neo-pagan, I ought to do something, but I couldn't think of what to do especially given how tired I've been. I was feeling guilty about it. When Halloween finally come around, I actually felt pretty good and managed to do a little ritual in memory of mom, Gramma Cathy and Grampa Ted. All in all, Halloween was a good day.

Really, it was a good week. 

Onward