After a really great week last week, this week was a serious let-down.
Health-wise, I tanked. I feel horrible and, looking back over my logs, most of the week was horrible. I took Tuesday off work entirely, I felt so bad. Interestingly, I felt great on Wednesday as a result... but I tanked again Thursday and haven't bounced back.
Really, I just feel terrible.
Well, that was an interesting week.
Definitely good, health-wise. My worst day was still pretty darn good. Early in the week, I worked myself until I hit the wall. After that, I stopped every day before I hit the wall and I lasted longer before I finally ran down. Once, a lot longer. I'm still not nearly 100% and getting this good still involves stopping vigorous mental or physical activity at or before noon, but it's good.
Another thing I'm noticing more is that if I'm busy and engaged, I don't see the wall. Not to say I don't wear out, usually as soon as I pause, but interesting activity keeps my going longer. It sounds obvious, but it's actually fairly new.
In other news, I've retained an attorney to appeal the Long Term Disability finding. They work "on contingency" ... so he doesn't get paid unless he wins and when he gets paid, it's a percentage of the money I get. So, either I get nothing (and pay nothing) or I get something. Either way, he does all the heavy lifting. Not bad from where I sit.
Onward!
So, this was a learning week for me.
At work, one of my colleagues moved on to bigger and better things. While I will miss him, I am sincerely happy for him and I think he will do well in the new adventure he is embarking on. His departure has led to some discoveries for me.
While I had been out, my colleague - K - had taken over several of what I considered key elements of my role on the team. When I got back, K continued to do those tasks... my manager rightly pointed out that, given my health issues and limited schedule I just couldn't do those tasks yet. I agreed, because really I was physically not up to them... but I still felt upset about it because, damn it that was my job! :)
Well, not K has moved on and someone needs to pick those tasks back up. My manager has been pretty clear that it shouldn't be me. My schedule and health issues still prevent my from taking on the full task. He said I should assist the person who will take them on - D. I said "sure, ok."
I was lying to myself.
I immediately tried to take on the mental and physical demands of those tasks.
Guess what... <insert sound of crashing and exploding here> ...
Yup, crash and burn. I can't do it. I made myself feel terrible for two days before I finally recognized what I was doing to myself. I forced myself to put it all back down again... and I'm still forcing myself to leave it put down. I'm not ready yet. I need to be OK with that.
I'm getting there. Feel pretty good, now, actually. OK, physically I feel like crap from the stain I put on myself early in the week but emotionally, I feel OK.
Onward.
Another week gone by...
Yeah, it's been an interesting one. I've been overdoing it a little and still trying to deal with stress. I had such a good handle on it but the more I get involved with things at work that less I'm able to just lay things down. I keep reminding myself to relax my shoulders... and my jaw (yeah, I just did that. You did too, admit it.)
For good or ill, work isn't getting any lighter. One of the team is moving on to bigger and better. I wish him well but it does mean I'm going to have to take up some of the slack. Not all, or even a lot... my manager continues to be understanding... but some (and knowing me, I'll take on more than I should).
Really, need to work on letting things go.
Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good. OK, health wise, I'm more or less the same but I think I'm coping mentally better. Yesterday was a good day, even though I burned out by noon and even that was overdoing it... I felt good about the day.
So, I've talked a bit about how I've been charting my health... well, here's the chart. OK, mostly this is me playing with inserting pictures into the blog but what the heck.
On the whole, I'm feeling positive about things today. Here's looking forward to next week!
Well, Week 52... I feel like I ought to say something special. Something to commemorate a milestone... one year sick. I've got nothing, honestly.
It's been a hell of a week. Started off running on pure rage, in response to a milquetoast response from certain business leaders of my passing acquaintance to the Roe overturn. Turns out one gets a lot of energy out of pure rage. Doesn't last however and one burns out hard afterward. That's probably a good thing. I tried running on pure rage in my 20's and it didn't go well.
Rest of the week was pretty much recovery from the beginning. Still feel pretty wobbly honestly but, by my diary, my numbers are still slowly trending upward.
Evidently I said something clever and am now being quoted in that Healthy Living class - take the win and build on it. Pretty much the working philosophy of the day.
Speaking of wins, I did reach out to one of those business leaders of passing acquaintance and expressed my views in rather plain language. Challenged him to think about a few things. He said he appreciated my perspective. I may or may not have changed his mind, but he heard me. That's a win... and I'm taking it and I'm going to build on it.
You know, it doesn't really matter that I've been sick for a year or that I'm still sick.
I'm taking the wins and building on them. (I guess I did have something to say after all.)
