Week Ending 2/23

Well, this has been an interesting week.

As far as I can tell, I haven't talked about this yet... back in December, before I flew out to see my mom, my doctor prescribed me a very low dose of the antidepressant fluoxetine (commonly known as Prozac), as an off-label treatment for my post-COVID chronic fatigue. The latest in a long line of experiments with various prescriptions to try and help. I decided that starting a new medication while traveling was a Bad Idea and held off until I got back. By a curious coincidence, I took the first pill on 1/7, just hours before I got the call that my mom had died.

Since then, I've been struggling, obviously. I've been depressed, exhausted, unable to focus and generally miserable. Well, of course... my mom just died. The thing is, I knew that at least some of those feels might be side effects of the fluoxetine... or my natural grief... or my post-COVID... or maybe my incipient type-2 diabetes.

Finally, after more than a month, I did the smart thing - called my doctor's office and put the matter in front of the professionals. My doctor's response wasn't what I expected. She increased the dose of my fluoxetine. It didn't feel right to me, but then nothing felt right to me. I decided to trust my doctor. 

As it turns out that was the right choice...

As soon as I started the higher dose, my symptoms got dramatically worse. I was confused, unable to focus with getting a major headache from effort, even more exhausted... Yeah, all effects of very bad reaction to fluoxetine. 

I called the doctor's office again and we started weaning me off the medication (because you can't just cold-turkey that stuff without even worse side effects). 

My head is a lot clearer now.

I also had a great meeting with grief counselor this week but that's another story. 

So, yeah, interesting week.

Onward

Week Ending 2/16

This week I was struck by a revelation.

My mom died. My mom is dead. 

It's really weird to say that and it find it to be a revelation. I mean, it's not like I didn't know it. I've known it for more than a month now. I've hardly talked about anything else on here. Yet somehow, I finally really felt it. It's as if someone else has been thinking and feeling these things for the past month. Now, suddenly, it's me. I knew it. I felt it. I said it.

At the same time my subconscious, always subtle as a brick, continues to rail against the idea. I had a dream earlier this week of my mom, very annoyed, insisting that I call her right away. I had another about her having a lifesaving medical procedure. 

So, on the one hand, I'm finally touching this new reality. On the other, some part of me still refuses to accept it.

Obviously, I've still got some work to do.

You know what this reminds me of... those weeks and months early in my illness where I kept saying - "yeah, I know I'm sick but I'm really feeling better today and I'll be OK soon." Well, I'm not OK. With my illness, I've adjusted to a new reality, a new way of living. I guess I need to do the same thing here... and the first step is really, truly, accepting that I'm not OK... but I'll adjust.

Onward

Week Ending 2/9

Good days and bad days. 

The last couple of days have been rough. I'm tired. I'm just so bloody tired.

It's hard to focus. Hard to concentrate. That's frustrating because I have things I want to do, and I can't because I'm just so bloody tired. 

Meanwhile, I continue binge-watching NCIS because I pretty much don't have to get out to bed to do it.

That said, I watched Section 31 last night with Juno. It was... OK, I was pretty bad, really... but it was also fun. I enjoyed watching it. It's nice to enjoy a bad movie every once in a while. 

So, good days and bad days. Maybe more bad than good right now, but still some good in there. I'll take the wins as they come.

Onward

Week Ending 2/2/25

So, at some point in the last week or two the car broke down and Juno commented that January has been a really bad month. 

It has. It really has. It's almost impossible for me to really get my head around the whole thousand-year-long month that was January. I'm not even going to say something foolish like "well that's over" because, while the month may be, all the rest of "that" isn't. 

I mean, I keep catching myself thinking "I can't wait for this to be over so I can call mom again and talk to her about all this" ... and then realizing that I can't. It's funny, she said the same thing after Grandma Cathy died. Looking back, I see how I didn't really understand. Now I do. Of course, like I said to mom, I can still talk to her, in a way. It's just different now. 

Well, as for the rest... there actually is a "rest." I haven't been doing much - mostly watching old shows, playing Skyrim and reading - but I've been doing that. 

I'm still finding my way forward, a little at a time. 

Onward

Week Ending 1/26

 Grief goes on. So does life. 

I'm starting to find my footing again. It's hard. 

I had a nice chat with the grief counselor from Respite House. She said something that sticks with me and is really helping - Grief isn't linear. Some days will be OK. Other days will be wretched. Neither is a failure. I'm not forgetting and I'm not backsliding. It's normal and expected. Actually, it sounds a lot like something I'm used to... good days and bad days. 

Like I said, starting to find my footing again.

Also, I've been writing again. A new Wyrd Tales short story. It's funny but in the middle of my real-life grief, my characters are happy and getting married. It was a challenge to write that, at first, but I'm actually managing it. 

So, yeah... good days and bad days.

Onward

Week Ending 1/19

I've been thinking about grief a lot.

Grief colors everything. It makes it hard to think. Hard to feel anything else. Grief can be powerful and consuming. 

I wanted to find a way through it. A way to deal with it. A way to move past it.

Then it hit me. Grief is love. 

Grief isn't grounded in love. Grief isn't the other side of the coin of love. Grief isn't caused by love or an outcome of love.

Grief is love.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I no longer want to find a way through grief, to deal with it or move past it. 

I grieve deeply because I love my mom deeply. My relationship with her has always been one of the cornerstones of who I am. That hasn't changed. I said last week that my love for my mom isn't a "past tense" thing. I haven't stopped loving her because she died. I still love her. She is still a cornerstone of my life... and part of that, now, is this pain. This grief. 

It will never go away. I don't want it to. But it does hurt less, knowing that at the heart of it, is love.

Love is powerful. Love is difficult. Love is sometimes painful.

Love holds us together. Love joins us together, across distance, across time, across the borders of life itself. 

My mom believed "God is Love" 

I embrace my grief. I embrace my love.

Onward.

Week Ending 1/12

My mom died.

What else do I say about this week? It feels like it's been years since Tuesday night. It hurts.

I keep thinking - "I should call my mom." The first time I thought it, I sat down and cried for a while. I still keep thinking it. I feel like she'd have some good advice. At least, she'd listen. 

Many of her friends have reached out to me and said how special she was. I appreciate that. She was pretty special. She touched a lot of people. She lived life and loved life. Yeah, she was special. 

I love my mom. No past tense there. I love my mom. She'll always be a big part of my life. I may not be able to call her anymore, to see her anymore, but I know she will always be with me. 

Onward