Week Ending 12/29

Well, I know almost none of you are out there anymore. I quit Facebook and lose everyone... which is still not enough to get me to go back to Facebook. Is that my failing or theirs? I wonder.

This was a hard week. As hard as they come. Last week, at this time, I was getting home after seeing my mom. This week, I mostly spent on the phone with her, with hospice, with her brother - my Uncle Kirk.

After all that, we have managed to get my mom into Respite House. She is exhausted and more than a little loopy. However, I am assured that she is well cared for and comfortable. She just needs to rest. 

What's Yoda's line? "Soon I will rest, yes..." 

And me, you might ask if you were there? How am I doing?

Onward

Week Ending 12/22

 Happy Solstice (a day behind, but better late than never)

A lot happened this week.

With the help of my Uncle Kirk, Juno and I traveled to Vermont and got to spend a little time with my mom. We got to spend most of the week there, with her, and returned yesterday evening. D stayed in home and looked after the cats.

Mom's cancer has progressed. Frankly, she looks like she's aged twenty years since I saw her in August. She's tired and uncomfortable. Fortunately, she still has good people looking after her. We were able to make some improvements on that, at least. We met with her new nurse-case manager, Carrie, while we were there (the last one, Judy... let's say 'didn't work out' and leave it at that). I have higher hopes for Carrie. 

I also got to meet some of the 'minions' - mom's friends and neighbors who regularly look in on her and help out as they are able. They do everything from running little errands to helping her put together and distribute her famous, and beloved, Season Cards. It's heartening to see how many people love my mom and how much she has touched the lives around her.

I didn't get to do as much as I would have liked, because between my normal fatigue and the trip I wore out quickly. Still, I hope we at least managed to get Carrie the Nurse off to a good start. 

It is frustrated, not being to be there for mom and help out as much as I would like. Uncle Kirk reminds me constantly that I'm doing a good job, and that I need to take care of myself too. It's funny. We didn't used to get along, Kirk and I, but now we've come together to help mom. He loves his sister, and I love my mother and that's that.

Kirk got us first class accommodations on the trip and the hotel, so that was all very nice. The outbound flights were a little rocky, but the return trip was as smooth and comfortable a day of air travel as I've ever had, despite starting out in a snowy Vermont day with bad roads.  (Nice thing about driving in a snowstorm in Vermont is most of the other drivers as also driving slowly and carefully.)

Home now. Juno's cat is happy to see us. Hippy, the older cat, is still mad at us for leaving. D appears to have managed on his own alright.

Yeah, big week. I've got a lot of resting to do to recover from it all and more things to do, but most will have to wait until after the holidays anyway.

It was good to see mom.

Onward

Week Ending 12/15

Sorry this is going up a little late. I wore myself out yesterday.

Kind of a drama filled week, dealing with stuff for mom but I think, I hope, we're getting things sorted out for her. I'm glad I can be there to help her, and I hope that I am helping. It does take a lot out of me, however. Not a lot else I want to say about that here. 

In other news... well, I've said a few times that I was giving up on Facebook and never actually done it. I think I might finally be doing it. Previous attempts have involved little tricks to cut the habit of checking FB. Lately, I haven't really needed that. I just haven't been checking it. I've cut my list of people I "follow" down to almost nothing and most of what I see is just the junk FB shoves at me. Yeah, I think maybe I'm done. No offense guys but I just don't have the energy for it anymore. 

So, FB friends, if you want to find me, I'll be here on my blog. Please do feel free to check in.

Finally, I've been feeling pretty low lately. Worn out and hollowed out. Sometimes I feel like I'm just hollow inside... just a thin shell of Me left and that about to shatter to dust. I was feeling that this week. Then, of all things, I watched Disney's Beauty and the Beast (the 2017 live action remake with Emma Watson) and I felt that hollowness filled again. For whatever reason, I find that movie wonderful and spiritually nourishing, I guess.

So, I leave you with this - find something that nourishes your spirit. Whether it's a movie, or music, or art, or a walk in the woods or spending time with good friends and people you love. Feed your spirit. 

Onward

Week Ending 12/8

 Up and down kind of week.

I've been tired and the brain fog has been pretty bad. Monday, I thought I was doing pretty well until lunch time, when I discovered I didn't have the focus to make pasta. Also, I couldn't remember how to run the dishwasher. Really, I think I just overdid it and it snuck up on me.

Also had a doctors appointment this week. Unrelated. Just a regular check in. The good news is I'm keeping the weight off. The bad news is... well, see above. She's looking at some possible new medications for me, but we're not going to try anything until after the holidays. News meds and a busy holiday season don't mix.

The rest of the week has been ok. Resting a lot. I've noticed, once again, that when I just let myself rest and relax I do better than when I try to do to much. I know - duh. :)

Onward

Week Ending 12/1

Thanksgiving.

It's hard to feel thankful for things right now, isn't it? I look at the state of the world and there seems to be a lot of Bad. I see my friends - worried, angry and flat out afraid. I look at my health and my mom's health. Yeah, it's hard to find something to feel thankful for right now.

Then I look again.

I'm thankful for Juno, my wonderful, caring wife who has been holding this family together for years... without hesitation, and with less complaint than she probably ought to have. I'm thankful for D, my brilliant son, who may drive me crazy at times but is still a bright light. I'm thankful for my friends, few and scatter and struggling, but fantastic, every one of them. I'm thankful for my Uncle Kirk, my mom's brother, who has come back into our lives and is helping with mom in all kinds of ways. 

I'm thankful for my mom, who has always been an inspiration and a councilor, who taught me to love books and movies, good food and good friends, and the beauty and wonder of life. Who taught me to face the problems, find the solutions and do what I can do. To question and to challenge. To know that the best victory is to live a good life, be happy and never let the bastards get you down... because that will really piss them off.

Yeah, things are hard right now. So, remember what Mr. Rogers taught us... look for the Helpers.

Onward

Week Ending 11/24

Well, like I have good days and bad days, sometimes I have good weeks and bad weeks.

This wasn't one of the good ones. 

I missed posting yesterday because I was too tired. I'm still too tired, but I wanted to get something writen.

Not really much more to say. I'm resting. I'm still binge watching NCIS. I'm exhausted, suffering odd and random pains, and can't really think clearly. Yeah, not a great week.

On the plus side, I've got movies to watch, books to read and minis to paint when I feel up to it. Also, started a new rpg campaign with Juno and we're having a lot of fun with it. 

So, today, I'm going to rest, and we'll see what we see. 

That's the thing about bad days, or bad weeks. Eventually, the good ones come back around.

Onward

Week Ending 11/17

Do not touch the Neednoggle. (I'll explain that in a bit.)

So, these has been a real up and down week. I felt pretty good at the start of the week. Slept well, did a lot of mini painting, talked to mom. All in all, pretty good. The last two days have been total write offs. Didn't sleep well, felt pretty horrible, basically spent the days lying in bed, binge watching old episode of NCIS. Never watched NCIS before and, while I'm watching it and enjoying parts other parts are painfully dated and problematical. 

I'm also introducing Juno to The Good Place, which is an amazing show (and the source of my opening statement).

I've been generally avoiding the news because, honestly, I don't have the energy for it. When I do check it, it just wreaks me. 

Last night, exhausted and unable to sleep, I tossed and turned and... I can't really say 'thought' because I was too tired for thoughts. I was bombarded by ideas and random images and out of that came an idea.

Do not touch the Neednoggle.

It's a Good Place reference and I not sure I can do justice to explaining it... but imagine yourself in a transdimensional nexus beyond time and space, overwhelmed by the sight of swirling vortexes opening into an infinity of possible pasts, presents and futures. Now imagine some horrifying creature has wrapped itself around your shoulders and, as you move to push it off, someone shouts - Do not touch the Neednoggle!

Now imagine all of that vanishes and you're standing in an IHOP, wearing a scarf. Only you're not. You are still in the same incomprehensible place with the same horror wrapped around you. You just see the place as an IHOP and the Neednoggle as a scarf... but you can't take a step, or you risk falling into an impossible vortex of twisting possibilities, and you Must Not Touch The Neednoggle. 

That's kind of where I am in life right now. 

I can't look at the horror of the world. It will drive me mad with hopeless despair. I have to imagine peace and calm and hope... but at the same time, I have to remember that my illusions are just illusions. That one misstep might spell doom and that, no matter what, I cannot touch the Neednoggle.

So, yeah, I'm clinging to my illusions. I'm playing the Sims and painting minis and trying to live my life, moment to moment. But it doesn't mean I'm forgetting the horrifying realities around me. I'm just trying to hold myself together... while trying not to touch the Neednoggle.

One day, one cautious step, at a time.

But always...

Onward