Week Ending 4/28

 What can I say about this week? Nothing really dramatic.

Had a hard time sleeping, leading to more than a couple of days where I didn't really get out be bed (not that I really get out of bed that much). 

Still, I managed to paint some minis, started working sorting out screenshots for my next Raven's Apprentice chapter and played a fun and challenging game of Age of Sigmar with D (my barbarian goat-men vs his new steampunk dwarves... a narrow win for my goats, because D was a good sportsman and gave me a chance to take out his airship). 

So, a pretty good week in the end. I would have like to have felt better for it, but I've got remind myself to take the wins where I can and not set my expectations so high. 

Still working on figure out the food thing.

Onward

Week Ending 4/21

 OK, we're going to talk about my health this week... and this is going to a long one.

So, I currently have two chronic conditions - Type-2 Diabetes and Long COVID (also called Post-COVID or Post Acute COVID Syndrome (PACS because we love our acronyms)).  The Long COVID came first. 

So, for clarity, what is Long COVID? 

Long COVID is a condition that develops in a significant minority of people who had the COVID virus. It's new, poorly understood and not really clearly defined by the medical community. The exact causes and mechanism aren't understood. Anecdotally, it is actually more common in people who had mild COVID symptoms or were completely asymptomatic. 

The symptoms of Long COVID include, but are not limited to, severe fatigue that grows worse after physical or mental activity and brain fog (difficulty concentrating, forming thoughts, remembering things). Other symptoms include respiratory problems, sleep problems, depression or anxiety, fever, digestive problems... yeah, it's not fun.

What does this mean for me?

Well, I talk about getting a limited number of active hours in a day. Basically, most days, I get about 2-4 hours of being able to sit up, concentrate and do something. Note, I said "sit up" not "stand up." Physical activity is exhausting. I can get around the house reasonably well, but walking out to the mailbox is a "well, I'm done now" kind of activity. I can talk with someone on the phone for about 30 minutes before I start to fade. Once I've used up my energy for the day, I'm pretty much done. From that point, it "lay down and watch stuff and forget about concentrating."

The one thing that I've found alleviates the fatigue is eating. I get about 30 minutes more energy out of a meal, probably 15-20 minutes for a snack. A little boost that lets me do a little more, feel a little more human during the day.

I can push beyond those energy limits, but I pay for it. I feel like I should mention that getting angry also gives me a "false" boost (adrenaline is a wonderful, terrible thing). I get a boost but I pay for it heavily. 

When is say "pay for it" ... I mean "lay in bed and don't do anything for a day or two or three." 

So that's my every day - get up, have breakfast, do something (hobby, game, whatever), fade out, have lunch, enjoy the little boost, lay down for the afternoon, have dinner, watch TV with my wife, go to bed. How much I can do depends on the day...a "good day" us 3-4 hours of doing stuff. A "bad day" is 0-3 hours. A great day might get me 5-6 hours up. In all cases those "up" hours still mostly consist of me reclining in bed and working on my computer, like I am now.

Got a picture? Cool. Now let's talk about Type-2 Diabetes.

Primary causes of Type-2 Diabetes lack of physical activity and weight gain. Notice the relationship? Let's spell it out - Long COVID prevent physical activity and encourages eating, which leads to Type-2 Diabetes.

The treatment for pre-Diabetes and early Type-2 Diabetes - exercise and eat less to lose weight. Also, changes in diet. 

See a problem. Long COVID means I can't exercise. Not "I don't want to." Not "it's inconvenient and I'm busy." I Physically Can't Do It. 

Next problem - one of the selfcare elements for Long COVID is getting those little boosts to energy to keep going and feel good during the day. That means eating food. Treatment for diabetes... eat less, no snacks.

I don't know how to explain how painful that is. I mean physically painful and mentally painful. I've spent days in the past few weeks too exhausted to do anything and so damn hungry I want to scream. 

The "little wins" that get me psychologically through the day aren't achievable because I'm too tired and hungry to do them. So, on top of exhaustion, hunger and brain fog, I get depression... both from the hungry and from the lack of those "little wins." 

Pile on the depression and anxiety that comes from the uncertainty and general life changing bullshit that is having not one but two chronic illnesses.

Now pile on the feeling that no one... not my family, not my friends, certainly not my doctor... seems to understand what I'm going through. Really, how could they?

Result... 

This blog post! Because guess what... I'm me. I don't give up. You don't get it? I'm going to explain it to you! You still don't get it? Be prepared to hear more about it! 

Also, I'm making minor adjustments to my diet to allow for small snacks (mostly nuts, or a hard-boiled egg) to give me those little boosts back. Will it work? Will it hurt? Heck as I know, but I there's a point where you have to balance Quality of Life against other concerns.

Well, if you stuck through all that good for you. You get a gold star.

I'm not giving up.

Onward

Week Ending 4/14

OK, the eclipse was AWESOME! 

We sat out on the side porch. Juno played music and occasionally wandered around handing out eclipse glasses to the neighbors. We watched the light slowly fade until... the stars came out, while the light still lingered on the horizon all around us. 

Amazing.

Also, I discovered that eclipses smell like rain, snow and the sea. I hadn't known that before.

The rest of the week wasn't great, but I choose not to care right now. 

The eclipse was Awesome.

Onward

Week Ending 4/7

 It hasn't been a great week...

We're going to talk more about political stuff, now.

On April 1, 2024, the Israeli Defense Forces systematically targeted and killed seven aid workers from the World Central Kitchen with precision drone launched missile strikes. The IDF has now admitted this, stating that do to a "miscalculation" they had incorrectly identified a bag held by one of the aid workers as a gun (after identifying another man, not with them, as carrying a gun) and, believing them to be Hamas militants, targeted and destroyed the aid convoy. 

I honestly believe this account of events, because it fits with the IDFs behavior since the start of the conflict. This is the same IDF that shot and killed three unarmed men in their underwear... men who turned out to be three of hostages they are nominally trying to bring home... because of a "miscalculation" that identified them as Hamas militants. It is evident that the prevailing mindset of the IDF in Gaza is to consider anyone who isn't them as a Hamas militant. From that basis, the IDFs actions make a kind of senseless sense.

I want to be clear, the October 7th attack by Hamas, including but not limited to the rape and murder of people at a music festival, was an unconscionable act of terrorism. At the same time, the actions of the Netanyahu government and the IDF in response to these attacks represent nothing less than war crimes committed against the civilian population of Gaza. The only good guys here are the civilians on both sides. The only heroes here are the aid workers...

... and that's why the attack this week hit me so hard. 

Mr. Rogers taught me to look for the helpers. These aid workers were the helpers. They were the heroes on the ground, bringing hope into a nightmare. They were killed because of it, by people who only see hate and violence. I feel that, deeply.

Yeah, it hasn't been a great week.

All I can do is take the next step...

... Onward.

Burning

 I've tried not to comment too much on current events, news, politics and such, focusing on my own life experiences but today... today I need to say something.

I look outside my life and this is what I see...

The rise of fascism and totalitarian regimes across the world. 

Brutal wars, aided and abetted by the American fascist party.

The political weaponization of bigotry and hate, targeting women, minorities and LGBTQA+ people... violence against people for simply trying to be their authentic selves.

Meanwhile, the world is literally burning. 

... and I sit here.

So let me be clear, if you are reading this and you are wearing a MAGA hat, support Donald Trump, believe America is a Christian nation, have ever used the word "liberal" or "woke" as a pejorative, or have ever just thought "well, I just support the Republican party for their economy policies" ... 

... get the fuck off my blog. 

I am sick, old and tired. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with you. Go away.

Right now, that's all I can do. Be glad of it.

Week Ending 3/31

 Quick one this week...

Overall, I'm doing OK. Just sleeping strangely. 

Some nights, my mind is racing and I can't fall asleep. Had one night where I was up late into the night but woke feeling great and was fine that day. Another, I got up in the night and painted some minis but was totally out of it the next day. Other nights, I've slept like a rock (which might have something to do with not getting enough sleep the night before :) ). 

Weirdest night was the one where I was up for hours before of this horrible pain in the left knee. No idea why. I was fine all day, fine when I went to bed and sometime in the night my knee started hurting terribly. Wonderful Juno helped... she rubbed in a little arnica and I was good. Hasn't bothered me since. Weird, right?

So, that's my week. 

Onward

Week ending 3/24

 OK, so I totally missed posting this yesterday but for a positive reason. I was having a good day and had a good week.

So, let's see... a couple of things.

I gave myself permission to have a small piece of white chocolate, as a treat, on evening early in the week. I took a tiny bite off the corner... flavors exploded in my mouth - all the rich complexities of the confection, like I'd never tasted before. I put the rest of the piece away. That one tiny bite was enough. 

Same thing later in the week with an oatmeal cookie. Juno made some from dough we had in the fridge from "before." I thought, make the cookies little and I can have a couple, but it will really only be the same as one. As an occasional treat, I figured it would be OK. Again, one tiny bite, an explosion of flavor and it was so, so very sweet. I couldn't eat any more of it. 

So, that's interesting. 

Other fun stuff... I mentioned last week, among all the changes, Games Workshop was coming out with a new edition of Age of Sigmar. If you don't recall, Age of Sigmar is a tabletop miniatures wargame which all three of us play. 

Now, GWs business model is to release a new edition every three years or so, just because. Since the current edition is Age of Sigmar is... well, not perfect, but fun to play, well balanced (All the factions have a roughly equal chance of winning. Seriously, they do a massive statistical analysis based on feedback from game tournaments around the world) and generally a great game. So, they announced they're throwing out all the rules and starting over scratch because... basically they don't have any other excuse to update the current rules. 

So, I won't be getting the new edition... because why would I? I like the current game and I don't play in tournaments. Which means I don't have to change my game. Which means that's one life change that I can take control of and not do. That is a fantastic feeling. 

So, all in all, a good week.

Onward