Note: I wrote this shortly after I returned to work, at the request of a colleague who wanted to know about my experience with my illness and what I had learned from it. I wanted to share it and, after much procrastination, I've decided to start by sharing it here.
Starting around July, 2021 I became very sick. The constant stress and pressure of work had weakened my immune system to the point where a simple cold could, and did, quickly progress to bronchitis. Which inevitably led to missing work, which led to more stress and pressure as projects dragged on, deadlines loomed and every little glitch became a full blown crisis.
Being someone with a strong work ethic, or - as I have come to see it now - an idiot, I kept working every moment I could. As a remote worker, it was easy to drag myself into my home office, log in and put in at least some time on days when an ordinary commuter physically couldn’t have gotten themselves to work. Driving in, one would have ended up in a ditch, but logging in was relatively easy. If I couldn’t work eight hours, I could at least work four or five. After all, the project meeting was important and since I was already there, I could attend that next meeting, and the one after that.
Interesting thing about the Epstein Barr virus (which is what they call mono when you’re not in your teens or twenties anymore), nearly every American adult has it. Like chicken pox, we’ve been exposed to it, and the virus just hangs out in your body. For most people, your immune system is strong enough to keep it in check. A person's blood antibody levels for the virus hang out between 1 and 21 (don’t ask me what the numbers represent, I just know what they told me). Until your immune system is weakened, say by stress, pressure, a nasty case of bronchitis and “a strong work ethic.” When I finally got tested, my antibody levels were “>750.” I was off the chart.
By that time, I was down to dragging myself in for an hour or two, once or twice a week, because those meetings needed me. I discovered levels of exhaustion I have never known existed. Levels where your hands shake, you can’t take a real step and just shuffle across the floor, levels where your face and lips just go numb. Still, I kept coming in… just for that one meeting, and maybe the one after… because I needed to be at that meeting, because I had a strong work ethic. Because I was an idiot.
My doctor, my mother, my wife and everything I could read online said I needed to rest. Complete bed-rest was the only treatment. Still, I didn’t stop. I kept trying to come into work. I kept telling myself I felt just better enough that I could go back now. I honestly don’t know how long that lasted. My memory of that time is pretty hazy.
I do know that it took a co-worker to get me to finally stop. It was actually the project manager for one of those meetings I had to attend. She said to me, quoting every airline safety demonstration I’d ever heard: “you have to put your own air mask on before you help other passengers.” I don’t know why, but that finally got it through my thick head.
I needed to stop. I needed to take care of myself.
It took four or five months for me to recover to the point where I can actually do what I had been trying to do at the start: coming in about four hours a day, doing what work I can do and resting when I need to.
I have come out of this experience (insofar as I am “out” of it) having learned a few things. Another co-worker asked me to share what I’ve learned, so that’s the point of this little narration.
So, what have I learned from all this?
The central lesson for me remains: “You have to put your own air mask on before you help other passengers.”
In plainer language: Take care of yourself. You’re no good to anyone if you drive yourself into the ground.
Some ideas on how to do that:
If you’re sick, go home
Forget attendance. Forget how many sick leave hours you have (or don’t have). Forget whatever “work ethic” you were raised with. Just go home, rest, drink plenty of water.
No, that meeting does not need you. You have a team and someone else on the team can cover for you.
No, that project does not need you either. See above, re: team.
Stay home until you feel better. That’s all the way better too. Not “oh yeah, I can totally drag myself to the computer and log in from home” better. Really, actually, I’m-not-sick-anymore better.
The meeting still doesn’t need you.
The project will go on without you.
I grant, it may be a bit of a blow to the ol’ ego, discovering you are not, in fact, indispensable. However, you are of greater value to your team, your workplace and yourself, if you are working at your best.
Deal with your stress
I know, easy to say, hard to do. Vitally important. Among the many negative effects, stress weakens your immune system. It is, in its own way, almost as bad as just being sick.
There are lots of different ways we talk about managing stress: meditation, “mindfulness,” primal screaming, vacations, etc. Some are good. Some are bad. Some work. Some don’t. I believe that no single solution works for anyone all the time, so be careful about relying too heavily on any one strategy.
For me, my key strategy (which I still struggle with at times) is, as above, remembering that that meeting doesn’t need me, that the project can go on without me. I found myself carrying the weight of all these work demands and I once I put them down, I feel better. That leads me to my last point.
Respect your limits
When I was a kid, my mom would pour me a glass of water and she’s tell me: “Say when.” Say when it’s enough. Say when it’s enough.
All of our projects, our meetings, and our day-to-day work… it piles on. You find yourself wondering how to meet those deadlines, while attending those meetings and making sure the daily work doesn’t fall behind. Then you find yourself trying to balance that with your home life, your family, your friends, the basic needs of your own body, mind and heart.
Say when. Look at it all and be able to say “enough” and stop.
This might be the hardest, and in some ways, most frightening lesson of all – knowing that there will come a point where you have to say “enough.” Can you go to your manager and say “I’m sorry, I can’t go to that meeting. I have a conflict. What can we do?” “I’m sorry, I can’t take on this new project. I am already working at my capacity. What can we do?”
I won’t lie, there is some fear in doing that. How will it be received? Will it be respected?
The truth is, if you have a good relationship with your manager and your team, they will respect and honor your limits too. If they don’t, you have other problems which you should probably find a way to deal with… but that’s another conversation.
I hope this is valuable to someone. Thanks for reading.
