Week Ending 11/24

Well, like I have good days and bad days, sometimes I have good weeks and bad weeks.

This wasn't one of the good ones. 

I missed posting yesterday because I was too tired. I'm still too tired, but I wanted to get something writen.

Not really much more to say. I'm resting. I'm still binge watching NCIS. I'm exhausted, suffering odd and random pains, and can't really think clearly. Yeah, not a great week.

On the plus side, I've got movies to watch, books to read and minis to paint when I feel up to it. Also, started a new rpg campaign with Juno and we're having a lot of fun with it. 

So, today, I'm going to rest, and we'll see what we see. 

That's the thing about bad days, or bad weeks. Eventually, the good ones come back around.

Onward

Week Ending 11/17

Do not touch the Neednoggle. (I'll explain that in a bit.)

So, these has been a real up and down week. I felt pretty good at the start of the week. Slept well, did a lot of mini painting, talked to mom. All in all, pretty good. The last two days have been total write offs. Didn't sleep well, felt pretty horrible, basically spent the days lying in bed, binge watching old episode of NCIS. Never watched NCIS before and, while I'm watching it and enjoying parts other parts are painfully dated and problematical. 

I'm also introducing Juno to The Good Place, which is an amazing show (and the source of my opening statement).

I've been generally avoiding the news because, honestly, I don't have the energy for it. When I do check it, it just wreaks me. 

Last night, exhausted and unable to sleep, I tossed and turned and... I can't really say 'thought' because I was too tired for thoughts. I was bombarded by ideas and random images and out of that came an idea.

Do not touch the Neednoggle.

It's a Good Place reference and I not sure I can do justice to explaining it... but imagine yourself in a transdimensional nexus beyond time and space, overwhelmed by the sight of swirling vortexes opening into an infinity of possible pasts, presents and futures. Now imagine some horrifying creature has wrapped itself around your shoulders and, as you move to push it off, someone shouts - Do not touch the Neednoggle!

Now imagine all of that vanishes and you're standing in an IHOP, wearing a scarf. Only you're not. You are still in the same incomprehensible place with the same horror wrapped around you. You just see the place as an IHOP and the Neednoggle as a scarf... but you can't take a step, or you risk falling into an impossible vortex of twisting possibilities, and you Must Not Touch The Neednoggle. 

That's kind of where I am in life right now. 

I can't look at the horror of the world. It will drive me mad with hopeless despair. I have to imagine peace and calm and hope... but at the same time, I have to remember that my illusions are just illusions. That one misstep might spell doom and that, no matter what, I cannot touch the Neednoggle.

So, yeah, I'm clinging to my illusions. I'm playing the Sims and painting minis and trying to live my life, moment to moment. But it doesn't mean I'm forgetting the horrifying realities around me. I'm just trying to hold myself together... while trying not to touch the Neednoggle.

One day, one cautious step, at a time.

But always...

Onward

Week Ending 11/10

OK, let's talk about this week...

I'll be clear... I am not a supporter of Donald Trump. I think he's a dangerous, neo-fascist clown. I am strongly opposed to Christian Nationalism, White Supremacy, bigotry, hatred and stupidity. I am a left leaning, progressive liberal. I am even actually a socialist (unlike most American Democrats). If you don't like any of that, you've probably wandered into the wrong part of the internet.

Early on Tuesday, I was hopeful. By Tuesday night, I was afraid. By what would technically have been Wednesday morning, I was depressed. Since then, I've vacillated between acceptance, depression, anger, and denial depending on the moment.

I have spent the week glancing at Facebook, watching my friends react. I see friends who are afraid for their safety. I've seen one old friend calmly doing the math, calculating how long until he dies in agony if the ACA is repealed. I've seen friends defiantly challenging wannabe rapists. 

At home, I've had a long conversation with my son who wants to buy a gun for protection. I'm encouraging him to take a firearms safety course and, once he has some training, if he still wants to have a gun, I told him I have on objections. I also told him that I don't believe it will actually keep him safe.

At the same time, I want to encourage my wife to take a self-defense class.

This has been a week full of fear, grief, pain and anger.

Yeah, it hasn't been a great week.

I've thought a bit about why this happened. How did we get here? Are people... or at least 51% of the American electorate... actually just evil?

I don't know the answers. I have theories, guesses, but no real answers.

Mostly, what I have is a lot of pain. 

I also have a couple of questions. The first is - how do I survive this? The second is - does prioritizing my personal survival make me a bad person? 

A couple years ago, when my illness was new, a wise woman said to me "you have to put your own air mask on first, before helping others." This week, I found myself asking - how is that different from voting for a fascist dictator because you believe he will help your economic wellbeing? 

Well, I think I have an answer I can live with. Yeah, I'm going to take care of myself first, but not at the price of someone else. Putting my air mask on first doesn't mean ripping off someone else's face. It means making sure I have the strength to help both of us.

So, yeah, right now the first thing I've got to do is put my air mask on.

That done, I'm turning to the words of another wise woman - "The world isn't fair, but I can treat people fairly."

I can try to bring a little corner of fairness, love and light into the parts of the world I touch. Maybe, just maybe, if enough of us do that, we can make the world... or at least our part of it... better. Even in these dark days.

I'm going to close with something else that I saw on the internet this week...

Like Steve Rogers says - I can do this all day.

Onward

Well, that happened

United States of American, 1776 - 2024

It was a good run. I was hoping the old bird would make 150, but it was a good run. 

But seriously, this sucks. I am disappointed. I am worried. I am upset. Yeah, I am.

What does this mean for me personally? I don't know. Probably nothing good. Certainly nothing good for lots of people I love. 

 I mean, he's told us over and over who he is, and I think we can be pretty confident he'll be That Guy. I think a lot of people who voted for him are in for a rude shock, when he turns out to be That Guy. 

Here's the thing... I could give up. I could embrace despair. I could curl up and wait to die. I think you know by now that this isn't my style.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to grieve. I'm going to be disappointed. I'm going to be angry.  I'm going to React. Then, I'm going to take a deep breath and I'm going to get to work.

The world isn't fair... but we can make our corner of it fair. 

Grieve, take a breath, and then take the next step...

Onward

Week Ending 11/3

A little late in typing this. I actually lost track of time. 

On the whole, it's been a decent week. I've been sleeping better. Managed to get some minis painted. Started working on my next SimLit story. All in all, yeah, a decent week. (touch wood)

Short update this week.

Onward.