Week Ending 1/29

You know, I don't really remember much about this week. The brain fog rolled in a little while ago and everything is hazy

Looking back over my diary, I've had good days (mostly at the start of the week) and bad days. I did some work on my Games Workshop minis... putting together some new terrain sets. I managed to make an egg sandwich for breakfast one morning, so that's pretty cool. Usually, I can't handle cooking... so that was a really good morning. 

Today wasn't bad. Felt pretty good emotionally, not so great physically. Resting and trying to remind myself that I don't actually need to do much of anything.

Onward

Week Ending 1/22

 The worst part about being sick is the paperwork. 

Seriously, it seems like every week or so I have another batch of paperwork to fill out for someone. This week was the Long Term Disability Insurance people. It feels like I'm constantly having to justify the fact that I am, in reality, sick... which is probably because that's exactly what I'm having to do. Thank the gods for my lawyer (never thought I would say that). He was willing to take a bunch of random notes and drafts that I wrote up and turn them into completed forms that I just need to sign. Same information, accurate and true... but also legible and with some of those lawyer-ly word choices.

After whipping myself out for a week crashing through SSA paperwork last time, I decided to take my time and not try to this packet all at once. I'm still not sure if that was a good idea or not. I didn't burn myself out crashing through it but I did have it hanging over the head for days on end. Sometimes, there just isn't a winning move I guess.

Otherwise, the week has been up and down. I had a couple of really rotten days, where I felt even worse than my usual not feeling good. I had a couple of OK days, but not as many as I would have liked. Still, I got through it. Sometimes that's the best we can manage but that's still pretty good.

Pretty snowfall out the window this morning... reminded me of those pretty snowy days-gone-by.

Onward

Week Ending 1/15

 So, yeah, that wasn't a fun week.

It actually started out pretty good. Monday was a high energy day. I felt good. I enjoyed myself. Things kinda went down the hill from there. Most of the week was seriously low energy, with a couple days barely getting off the ground. 

Then of course, we have the whole MRI drama. You can read my earlier post on that. On the plus side, I heard from my neurologist. The test results were good enough for him to feel confident that the whole left-side-of-the-left side thing isn't coming from my neck/spine.

So, other than the waking nightmare I've had when I lay down about still actually being in the machine and just imagining the room around me, that's over. 

Next the neurologist wants to do an EMG test. Is it weird that the idea of having needles stuck in me while being given electric shocks should interesting and doesn't freak me out nearly as much as the MRI did? Yeah, I think it is.

This weekend has actually been pretty good. I rested a lot yesterday and felt pretty good today.

So, yeah... moderately rotten stuff happened this week. It's over now. 

Onward.

Willow (2022, Disney+)

 As IMDB tells the tale, in the late '80s George Lucas decided to make a movie featuring the talents of a young Warwick Davis, whose claim to fame up to that point was the role of the Wicket the Ewok in Return of the Jedi. 

 That movie would be Willow (1988), the story of farmer-turned-sorcerer Willow trying rescue a baby (generally held to be the cutest McGuffin ever) prophesied to defeat the evil queen and honestly just doing his best in a world that doesn't respect him. It's a fairly classic sword and sorcery movie out of the '80s and a pretty fun one. It also, accourding to Davis, represents the largest casting call for little people actors at the time (Aside: shame on Lord of the Rings for using big people to play hobbits... Willow proves there are plenty of excellent actors of small stature.) I highly recommend the movie.

Fast forward to today and Disney+ has brought us Willow the series... an eight episode streaming series that returns us to the world of Willow and seeks to answer the question (which frankly no one asked) what happens when the baby of prophecy, who defeated the evil queen before she could sit up, grows up to be a young woman.

Ok, honestly, I liked this series. 

Frankly, to me it totally feels like what might have happened if a D&D roleplaying group decided to hold their next campaign in the world of Willow... and that isn't a bad thing. The characters are bright, snarky, and more than a little cliche but in a good way. The dialogue doesn't quite break the 4th wall, but it certainly breaks the pseudo-medieval tone fairly often... aided and abedded by each episode closing with a classic 80's 'Rock song which somehow works. 

We have romance, battles and magic. We have cliche villains, funny villains, villains who turn out to not be villains and upend our entire idea of who the actual villains are... and just plain scenery chewing evil villains. We have heroes and rogues... and we have Willow the Great Sorcerer, still just trying to do his best in a world that has made him a legend but still doesn't actually respect him.

It shouldn't work but, for the most part, it does.

If you've got access to it, it's worth a watch.

MRIs Suck

 I should have just said no. I should have known better and just said no. 

For the past couple of months, I've been having a strange thing when I get really tired... the left side of my left side goes numb (that 'pins and needles' feeling like when your foot falls asleep). Now my left little finger is permanently numb as is the left half of my left ring finger. When it gets really bad, the corresponding two toes and left edge of my left side are all like that. 

I thought it was the Post-COVID but the neurologist suggested that if it was, it would be symmetrical. So, he wanted me to get an MRI of my neck, in case it's a pinched nerve. 

I should have said no.

If you haven't had an MRI, let me explain. First, they make sure you have no metal on you... because the M in MRI stands for Magnetic and they mean it. Then, they lay you down flat on a board, put a cage around your head so you can't move it. Then they roll you into a tube barely wider than your shoulders. Then the noise starts... loud thumbs, whirs and electronic hums as the magnets scan you. In an effort to help, they put headphones on you and pipe in some music... but the machine can and does drown out the music.

If you're not claustrophobic, this thing will probably show you what it feels like to be.

I am claustrophobic.

My good neurologist prescribed vallium to help. 

It did not help.

In fact, I don't think it did anything at all. 

I managed to get through part of the scan anyway... but only part. When the machine started making a noise like an emergency alarm... you know that "ennhh... ennhh... ennhh" of a fire alarm, which is literally designed to drown out all thought and trigger a panic reaction, I had enough. I called it. 

I'd say the staff was nice about it, but they weren't. They weren't mean about it. They were cold and completely indifferent about it. They didn't care what I was feeling. They didn't care if I finished the test. Hell, they'll bill me thousands of dollars either way and why would they.

Total fail at cost, no doubt, of the aforementioned thousands of dollars.

I should have said no.

Week Ending 1/8

 Exhausting week.

Filled out paperwork for the SSA one day and was pretty much wrecked for the rest of the week. Pretty intense paperwork. 

Spent most of the week in bed, resting, watching TV and generally not being able to do much. John Wick turns out to be a pretty good movie. The Invitation, not so much.

Feeling a little better the last couple of days, so that's good at least.

Onward

Happy New Year (Week Ending 1/1)

 Well, 2022 was an interesting trip down De'Nile. 

Really, looking back over this blog and glancing through my health journal... it's been illuminating.

I started convinced I was getting better and even made solid plans to return to work part-time. I honestly had every expectation that I'd be working full-time before the end of the year. Yeah, that didn't work out.

I've mentioned a few times my famous chart. Here it is... 2022 year in review. You can pretty clearly see the whole "didn't work out" of it.

Honestly, if there are two real takeaways from last year the first is the I am an idiot. No matter how many times I told myself "don't do that" or "well, as long as I don't do that I'll be fine" ... I still did it. I insisted that I was "fine." I was, after all, not working too hard. I was only working until I reached the point where I physically collapsed and couldn't go on. (Pro-tip - If you are working until you physically collapse and can't go on... you are working too hard!) Even knowing this and knowing I was still doing it, not only did I not stop, I continued to insist I was fine.

My second big takeaway is that, on the balance, I am actually pretty optimistic. Yeah, I have my moments when I get down. Everyone does and when you're sick constantly, it's hard not to. I have good days and bad days... and I keep working toward the good ones and getting through the bad ones. I'm not going to give up.

So, here I am today. I've stopped working myself into the ground. Yeah, that means I've stopped doing paid work, full stop, but I've got to. I honestly can't work right now. Now I need to focus on me and figuring out how to live under my current conditions. I'm still working on figuring that out but I'll get there.

Onwards.